January 17, 2008

My feet were wet, it is a horrible feeling that squelching cold sensation as my foot pushed down on the sodden pavement as I reluctantly make my way towards work.

Amazing isn’t it, that after a squillion thousand and billion one years of evolution we can sew a human ear on the back of a mouse and synthesise Posh Spices voice to make it sound audible (if i was Beckham I would cut my own ears off and sew them to the closest mouse to avoid listening to her trite all day, poor mouse though) yet we still have not mastered the art of making a waterproof shoe.

I still insist on wearing the finest Italian leather shoes to convince myself I am successful and not a talentless poor salesman. Evolution in the shoe department (or Shoevolution (c) as I like to call it) has not really come along in leaps and bounds. Whilst Darwin may have approved of Marty McFlys automated Nike future boots (I always wanted a hover board) I bet he would turn in his grave to think I was still strapping an animal skin to my foot held together with a piece of string.

If I wanted a wet foot inside an animal skin I would slice open the back of a rabbit and squash its little rabbit kidneys in-between my toes and like an eel when you cut of its head, it might even run for a while before its nervous system collapses, and it could rabbit power me to work just that little bit faster.


There’s no cock without fire.

January 14, 2008

It is very cold in the house now. No radiator in the lounge and I can see my breath, too long in there and i’ll get frost bite on my danglies, I watched it on the TV once, on my last expedition to the Arctic, a guide had his knob chopped off due to frost bite, his cock looked like a badly sun burnt slug that had snorted a value size pack of table salt.

To avoid this kind of episode I set about finding some logs for the fire to warm us up a bit. What was left in the log heap at both the garden centre and the petrol station was old and soggy. Who really wants a wet soggy log, apart from someone with a bad case of piles?

Apparently the local log man had not delivered any dry logs that day so it looked like a cold night ahead, possibly with a hot water bottle down my trousers. I’m no supply chain expert but I reckon that chopping up a tree and putting it in a lorry is not the most complex of processes, and I’m pretty sure we haven’t run out of trees yet as I think it may have appeared on the TV.

Anyway, I would like to thank who will deliver some dry logs to my door this week so I can avoid any kind of pecker amputation.

Faking It

January 8, 2008

Nobody likes to waste time, unless it’s watching mindless TV, getting wasted in the pub, or surfing the Internet for the latest fetish, eeeer fashion.


There has been a flutter in the Beeb (BBC) recently about “fake” guests being used in competitions such as Blue Peter, where they used floor staff as bogus competition callers to name a cat. Gone are the innocent days when the presenters were labeled as hedonistic cocaine fiends. A precious 90 seconds of my time was wasted the other morning as I sat down with my whole meal toast to BBC Breakfast. (I put myself on the clock to see how fast I can eat my toast to maximize sleeping time)


“So Dr Macleod” says Fiona Bruce, “what is the main conclusion drawn from your 18 month study about children being let outdoors on their own?”


“Well” answers the Dr (looking rather sheepish).. “The main conclusion was that children, who are let out, tend to be spending more time outdoors than those who are not”.


I’ve heard more useful uttering’s from a drunken tramp I once accidentally stepped on as he rolled about in the gutter. In 18 months I could come up with at least a whole book worth of plagiarised material.


I look forward to his study next year.. ‘White Lightening Cider, is it an ASBO inducing superfood?’ My mind boggles as to what the correlation might be.


January 4, 2008

As part of my general house overhaul I had some excessively expensive work done to renovate my original floorboards; to try and re-create that Victorian feel, which as I found out is cold, draughty and noisy. To add to this I installed a real fire (again for that Victorian effect). For the fire to fit in with red tape regs I then had to cut large holes in my new floorboards to put air vents in. This led on to an unexpected new Victorian feature.

The stench of sewage now wafted up into the lounge.

The water man rocked up this morning, admittedly a jolly fellow for someone that has to push peoples poo down a pipe with a stick, I think the fumes damaged his brain.  The drain was blocked and on my property so £65 it was then, I quipped that I could borrow his rod and do it myself, but I was feeling faint from the fumes.

He lifted up the drain cover, the stench of old poo and part dissolved bog roll launched a direct nasal attack on my senses, a tsunami of smell spilled into my house, leaving it smelling like a sulphur spewing volcano (I’ve not smelt a volcano, I read a book, once). It was worse than spelling a pub toilet rim whilst your spew splatters back in your face (I did experience that one last weekend).

Anyway… the drain man proceeds to tell me how he left his home in Mauritius to come to Berkshire. After I finished my laughing fit of hysterical disbelief, he told me he did it for his kids eduction. If my old man ever took me from a permanent home of bikini babes and beaches to live in Berkshire, I’d poke him in the eye, or worse. This guy had swapped his perfect island lifestyle to be at my house at 8am on a cold winters morning to shove poo down my drain.

Then the poo man left, a whistlin’ and a smilin’, he seemed bonefide happy.

Fucking strange bloke.

I considered he should have a change of career as he seemed like a really decent bloke. I hope I don’t have to meet him again, but  if I do I’ll recommend he goes into colonic irrigation. It’s the same skill-set, with the added bonus of you get to put a tube up a woman’s arse.

Nuclear Nonsense

January 3, 2008

Those clever folks at Halifax have added a new clause to my contents insurance.

“Carpets, fixtures & fittings etc will not be covered under any instance of nuclear attack”

Anyone who understands the science of nuclear physics and watches ‘Heroes’ knows that even a beardy weirdy with wobbly jelly hands can reduce a whole city to twisted metal and rubble. If this is the case I wonder what a direct hit might do to my house.

I have a gut feeling that I may have better things to do than claim for my carpets, such as scoop up my remaining burnt flesh from a 50 mile radius and stick it back together.

Happy New Year.