January 4, 2008

As part of my general house overhaul I had some excessively expensive work done to renovate my original floorboards; to try and re-create that Victorian feel, which as I found out is cold, draughty and noisy. To add to this I installed a real fire (again for that Victorian effect). For the fire to fit in with red tape regs I then had to cut large holes in my new floorboards to put air vents in. This led on to an unexpected new Victorian feature.

The stench of sewage now wafted up into the lounge.

The water man rocked up this morning, admittedly a jolly fellow for someone that has to push peoples poo down a pipe with a stick, I think the fumes damaged his brain.  The drain was blocked and on my property so £65 it was then, I quipped that I could borrow his rod and do it myself, but I was feeling faint from the fumes.

He lifted up the drain cover, the stench of old poo and part dissolved bog roll launched a direct nasal attack on my senses, a tsunami of smell spilled into my house, leaving it smelling like a sulphur spewing volcano (I’ve not smelt a volcano, I read a book, once). It was worse than spelling a pub toilet rim whilst your spew splatters back in your face (I did experience that one last weekend).

Anyway… the drain man proceeds to tell me how he left his home in Mauritius to come to Berkshire. After I finished my laughing fit of hysterical disbelief, he told me he did it for his kids eduction. If my old man ever took me from a permanent home of bikini babes and beaches to live in Berkshire, I’d poke him in the eye, or worse. This guy had swapped his perfect island lifestyle to be at my house at 8am on a cold winters morning to shove poo down my drain.

Then the poo man left, a whistlin’ and a smilin’, he seemed bonefide happy.

Fucking strange bloke.

I considered he should have a change of career as he seemed like a really decent bloke. I hope I don’t have to meet him again, but  if I do I’ll recommend he goes into colonic irrigation. It’s the same skill-set, with the added bonus of you get to put a tube up a woman’s arse.